Lick my stinking asshole, S.C. Senator Ford

***Note to newcomers: What follows is intentionally hyperbolic and over-the-top in vulgarity, and was composed in the hopes of provoking a response—ANY response—from Senator Ford's office. So far, as of 18 Mar 2008...nothing. I guess that means I get to hold on to my insignificant jerk status just a little bit longer.

Slashdot clued us up today about South Carolina senator Robert Ford's effort to get an amendment passed to his state's penal code which would make it a gowddammned felony to express profanity, obscenity, and outright blasphemous bullshit orally, electronically, by motherfuckin' smoke signals, or otherwise. Punishable by up to a US$5,000 fine and/or 5 years in the big house.


He can go rim-job Gawd's ugly-ass kitten for his ridiculous proposal, and I told him as much. After the jump, my email to his office.

Warning, for the prudes: Vulgar as your sister with her panties down and legs up in the air, and possibly NSFW, if your boss is a pussy jackass...

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Dear Senator Ford...

Fuck you.

I mean that both as a personally-directed invective and as a wish for you. You need to relax and get some fine sweaty lovin', and quit worrying so much about things over which you can't possibly legislate control.

That, and everything that follows in this email are my opinion, and I have the right to express my thoughts in this way. I gently suggest you go stick a hot poker up your wife's cunt if you disagree.

It is my opinion that you are a crazy dumb fuck, a drooling priest-fucking cocksucker jackass that has no clue about what it means to protect the 1st Amendment. Protecting the 1st amendment MUST go beyond protecting only that speech we agree with; it must also protect those communications which make us uncomfortable.

I'll bet you believe in some supernatural sky-king god, too. I think that's a bunch of idiotic crap. There is no such thing a a mysterious sky-dad that knows and guides everything we do. If you truly believe that in your heart, you're a lame-brained stupid fuck, and if you base your governmental decisions on that ridiculous faith I have no respect for you at all.

NONE. YOU, SIR, ARE A BRAINWASHED FLUNKY.

That's just my opinion, and how I choose to express it at this time. If I were to meet you in person, I might possibly find you a perfectly lovely gentleman around whom I would choose not to use "bad" or "obscene" language, as I do with most people I communicate with. I have plenty of friends and loved ones who believe in god, and know that I think it's crazy...but we get beyond that. I don't tell them what to do or how to behave, and they treat me with the same deference and respect.

But what you propose to add to Article 3, Chapter 15, Title 16 of the 1976 Code of Law for South Carolina is patently absurd, and it could be argued, clinically crazy.

Making these things a felony!? You MUST be fully BULLSHITTING your constituency to make some misguided personal point. How do you propose the administrative costs for these breeches of law be paid for? And who gets to decide when the laws have been broken? And how are the claims—especially when orally disseminated—going to be verified in a way that passes judicial muster?

There are no "BAD" words, and people are not harmed by hearing them or reading them. Read a fucking report or two, you asshole dog-fellator. If anything, they provide a linguistic balance, and an opportunity for individual citizens to decide whether the context is worth the content. I am a 50-year-old writer and a lifelong student of the grace and fire and evolution of language, its uses and its power. To deny any words is to deny language itself. And if you deny language you deny communication in its most robust and inclusive forms.

To legislate the abrogation of ANY speech is to governmentally oppress the thoughts and ideas of people who may have no other way to gain a fairer foothold in American society. I suggest you not forget your own heritage in this matter, for it is an issue that transcends religiosity, or moral indignancy of any kind.

I suggest you instead work toward putting programs in place that educate people in matters of language, tolerance and understanding.

Cock-suckingly yours with greatest respect,
Phos....
[Real name and actual home street address redacted to stymie the jackasses].

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If you readers here at The SparkBox want to reply to this, I will engage you in debate for the next 100 years. You may feel free to do so here, and to say any motherfucking thing you like, but i don't care for you to know where my house is. If you're that fanatical, submit a FOIA request for the full, unredacted content of my letter to Senator Ford's office.